I received a message
from a friend recently, asking for advice she could share with her
brother and sister-in-law, whose three-year-old son had just been
diagnosed with autism. My friend was looking for some “pearls
of wisdom” she could share with her family to help them along
their new journey, one I started down more than eight years ago.
I mulled it over in my
mind for a bit before I responded. Advice can be such a tricky thing,
because really, no two journeys are ever exactly the same.
When a woman takes
those first steps — be
they fearful, tentative, hopeful or completely unabashed —
towards motherhood, advice floods in, welcomed or not. We hear the
gamut of birthing stories, of breastfeeding stories, of potty
training stories, of discipline methods, and more.
Some mothers have
advice; all mothers have a story. Even though those stories are
different for everyone, they can unite and strengthen us, as we find
comfort and reassurance in shared experiences, and perhaps appreciate
and learn from differing experiences.
As we grow in
motherhood and have experiences, our stories evolve. We face
parenting triumphs. We face parenting trials. I have surely faced
both, and the opportunity to parent a child with autism most
definitely has been riddled with peaks and valleys.
In that vein, I offered
my friend the following the “pearls of wisdom,” which
make me not an expert in raising a kiddo with an autism spectrum
disorder, but more an experiencer (I shall claim that as a made-up
word) of ups and downs, and my perspective eight years into this
journey is much different than it was at the beginning.
Be hopeful. Hope
is a powerful thing; the scriptures admonish us to be hopeful. Most
parents aren’t prepared or happy to hear their child has ADD,
or cancer, or a heart defect, or autism, or any other number of
things that can be challenging. In all honesty I felt nothing short
of devastated with my son’s diagnosis. I got so caught up in
the things he might not be able to do. Yet this far into the
journey, I have seen so much more of what is possible, rather than
what is not, that I would tell my earlier self to focus on hope.
Clearly everyone has his or her own experiences, but I have seen my
son reach goal after goal, milestone after milestone. With the right
tools, these amazing kiddos can not only achieve, but excel.
Speaking of the right tools…
Take advantage of
any early intervention opportunities. As parents we have countless
opportunities to put on the objective glasses and try to see things
as they really are. When my son was diagnosed (at age 2 with
pervasive developmental disorder and at age 3 with autism), I was
fully aware that he didn’t point, didn’t wave, didn’t
follow a point or any other social cues, didn’t speak, didn’t
communicate even non-verbally, had obsessive and repetitive
behaviors, and was largely in his own world. To this end I had
prepared myself for a delayed speech diagnosis. I have sometimes
chided myself for not seeing the big picture then, but as he was my
first I didn’t really have any comparison. But once we did
have the diagnosis, I quickly jumped on board with trying to give my
son everything he needed to capitalize on his strengths and start
filling in the weaknesses. Those early years are formative in so
many ways; the earlier we can introduce things like speech therapy,
occupational and physical therapies, the better chance we give these
kiddos of maximizing their potential now, and in the future. It is
imperative. There are resources out there, as well as people to
point you to them.
Set the bar high.
My kiddos know I will forever bristle at the phrase “I can’t”
(especially if it is nuanced with even the slightest whine). When
reading, they have to always try at least once to sound out a word
before I still step in with the correct word, and so on with other
things. With my son, I have also soundly barred the phrase “I
can’t,” from his vocabulary, just as I have barred the
phrase “he can’t,” from mine. Children will only
rise as high as others expect them to. I have taken the attitude
that my son can do whatever he sets his mind to, although sometimes
I have to remind myself that some things may be difficult for him;
but “can’t” just isn’t on the table.
Anywhere.
I am amending this
to the advice I sent my friend, but we above all we should remember
the importance of being prayerful. There is power in prayer, and as
parents we parent at our best when we pray for our children; for
they all have strengths we can help them build upon, and weaknesses
we can help them overcome. I have had many experiences of praying
for guidance to best help my son, and have received answers that
provided insight, direction and ideas far beyond my own limitations.
By adding my pearls of
wisdom to the chain of mothering stories, my hope is that we can
weave together a beautiful strand of stories to strengthen each other
and these precious kiddos who have been entrusted to our loving care.
I would not trade this beautiful journey for anything.
Melissa Howell was born and raised in the woods of northern Minnesota. She has a degree in
journalism from the University of Minnesota.
As a single 20-something, she moved to Colorado seeking an adventure. She found one, first in
landing her dream job and then in landing her dream husband; four children followed.
Upon becoming a mother, she left her career in healthcare communications to be a stay-at-home
mom, and now every day is an adventure with her husband Brian and children Connor (9), Isabel
(6), Lucas (5) and Mason (2).
In addition, she is a freelance writer and communications consultant for a variety of
organizations.
Melissa serves as Assistant director of media relations for stake public affairs and Webelos den leader