What
do you do, as a youth leader, when some of the parents in your ward
allow and even encourage their children to break commandments and not
follow Church standards? And I don’t mean gray areas — I
mean black and white commandments and cut and dry standards.
These
parents are active members who absolutely know the rules.
Answer:
What
do you do? You teach the gospel. And you show them love and kindness.
Handbook
2 states clearly and repeatedly that the purpose of church teaching,
programs and activities is to support families. Youth leaders in
particular are supposed to support each young person in his or her
family.
Sections
8.3.4, 10.3.2. And all teachers and leaders are warned that
“Priesthood and auxiliary leaders and teachers seek to assist
parents, not to supersede or replace them.” Section 1.4. See
also 8.2, 10.2. 11.1.
With
regard to standards, each young person is responsible for reviewing
the standards often and evaluating how well he or she is living them.
Sections 8.10, 10.5. Also, “[m]embers of the bishopric and
[youth] leaders can encourage parents to study gospel standards,
exemplify them, and discuss them with their [children].”
Sections 8.10, 10.5.
In
your case, you are frustrated because you feel that important,
life-improving commandments and standards are being undermined by
some of the parents in your ward. Your frustration is understandable.
However, you have to organize your approach to this problem around
the principle of supporting these youth and these families.
No
good will come from an adversarial approach. You want to be a force
for good, a weight on the scale for righteous living, not a wedge
between parents and children.
You
must teach what is true. But rather than try to convince these young
people outright that their parents are wrong, I suggest you try to
add true doctrine to whatever knowledge and experience they already
have, and to whatever good things they are already doing.
Here
are seven other ideas you might try.
One,
talk to the bishop. A family who comes to church every Sunday,
but teaches their children that certain commandments are optional, is
having a larger problem. The bishop may be aware of the problem, but
in case he is not, you should tell him privately.
You
might say, “Bishop, Eloise Withers told me on Wednesday night
that she gives Betsy a glass of wine most nights before bed to help
her sleep. I was concerned, so I’m passing the information
along to you.”
The
bishop will be glad you told him.
Two,
welcome and include the affected youth. If these young people are
not keeping, as you say, black and white commandments, they will feel
increasingly isolated from the other youth in your ward. You,
therefore, must help them feel like part of the group.
Don’t
push if they are shy or gush every time they attend. But show how
much you like them by letting them talk about themselves and by
expressing interest in the things that are important to them.
Hopefully,
you will be able to enlist the help of your class or quorum
presidencies. Be careful, however, not to make anyone feel like a
project to whom you had to assign friends. Nobody likes to feel like
someone else’s project.
Three,
don’t call attention to the behavior you want to discourage.
If these youth attend church regularly, they know how they are
expected to behave, no matter what their parents allow them to do. So
if a young woman goes to prom in a skimpy dress, or professes to love
a vulgar book or brags about the shopping trip she took with her
mother last Sunday, you need to remember that she knows perfectly
well that her outfit, reading material and Sabbath behavior are
contrary to church teachings.
Therefore,
before you say anything to her, consider whether your words will only
call more attention to the undesirable behavior. It may be more
effective to ask her about something positive she has done lately.
Four,
don’t neglect the rest of the youth. In every ward there
are people with highly visible, deeply rooted problems. And it is
easy for every talk, class, activity and leadership meeting to
revolve around trying to solve (or at least manage) these obvious
problems.
However,
even as you try to help the people whose struggles are easy to see,
you must also consider the needs of the rest of your class. Everyone
has problems and concerns, and everyone needs instruction and
attention. So be sure you consider the needs of all of your youth as
you plan, teach and watch over them.
Five,
teach personal responsibility for their own behavior. When it
comes right down to it, you are trying to teach the youth in your
organization that they are responsible for their own behavior, no
matter what their parents allow them to do.
“My
dad said I could,” will not excuse them for showing up late for
work or get them out of a speeding ticket. They need to learn that it
is likewise no excuse for doing what they know is wrong.
Six,
share your experiences. At some point, you decided to be an
active member of the Church. Why? Why did you choose this life? Why
do you think it’s better than the other choices you had? What
are the benefits? What things have you changed from the way you grew
up?
In
a few short years, each of these youth will have to decide whether
they want to be active adult members of the Church, and it may be
useful for you to talk with them about why you believe.
Seven,
build a positive relationship the parents. Every family has good
points as well as shortcomings. Just as you try to welcome and
include the youth, you should make an effort to welcome and include
their parents. You may learn to appreciate qualities you did not know
they had. Or just to appreciate the fact that they come to church
regularly, which is better than staying home.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.