"We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention."
A
friend of my late mother's has just died. The deceased is also my
husband’s sister’s mother-in-law and my mother-in-law's
close friend. My husband’s family is planning a group
floral tribute, but I would like to honor my late mother’s
friendship with the deceased by sending flowers on her behalf from my
family only.
Is
this appropriate or should I participate in the group tribute?
Answer:
It
took me a minute to map it out, but it appears that your late mother,
your mother-in-law, and this newly deceased lady were all of an age,
and were connected not only by friendship, but by the marriages of
their children. It seems, therefore, that these three women knew each
other and were closely connected for a long time.
Whether
they were a trio of kindred spirits or just three long-time
acquaintances, I’m sure it has struck your mother-in-law that
she has lost two of her fellow-travelers in life. She is also
mourning the loss of a close friend. Your sister-in-law is mourning
the loss of her mother-in-law and is likely comforting her husband
and children in the loss of their mother and grandmother.
In
other words, it appears that your mother-in-law and sister-in-law
were closer to this deceased lady, even though you also had a
long-time connection to her through your mother. So, in deciding
whether to participate in the group floral tribute, I suggest that
you consider their feelings before your own.
For
example, if your mother-in-law has her heart set on flowers that
require your participation to purchase, you might forgo a separate
arrangement in order to participate in her floral tribute.
And
if you know your sister-in-law will be offended if you don’t
participate, you might appease her on account of her bereavement.
Putting the needs of others before your own on the occasion of her
friend’s death would be a magnificent tribute to your mother.
However,
assuming your mother-in-law and sister-in-law are reasonable adults,
a conflict over flowers seems unlikely. There is no rule that
requires extended families to send only one arrangement. If the
family is accepting flowers (that is, if they have not requested
donations to a particular cause in lieu of flowers — and
funerals are the only time you can publicly request donations
instead of gifts), you and your extended family can contribute as
many arrangements as you wish.
I
am also assuming, of course, that you are a reasonable adult
and are not trying to upstage your mother-in-law’s floral
tribute with a grander floral tribute (or her donation with a larger
donation). Nor are you sending your own flowers to emphasize that you
are separate from (and better than) the rest of your husband’s
family, or that you were more intimately connected to the deceased
than they.
None
of those motives would be nice.
It
would be easiest, perhaps, to participate in the group arrangement
and to also send a separate arrangement to honor this lady’s
friendship with your late mother. But if your budget will not allow
that, you can decline to participate by saying something like, “Oh,
what a lovely idea. We have actually already sent an arrangement in
memory of Julia’s friendship with my mom.”
You
will also, naturally, attend the funeral and visitation.
Sending
flowers and attending the services for this lady are fitting tributes
to her and to your late mother. I would also like to suggest one
more, a more personal way to honor their friendship: a letter of
condolence.
Letters
of condolence are written to express your sympathy to the bereaved
and to share your memories of the deceased. You should use blank
stationery rather than a pre-printed card, and your tone should be
warm and poignant.
You
should say that you are sorry for their loss. The main body of your
letter should share a happy anecdote about the deceased, lessons you
learned from her good example, gratitude for your association with
her, kind words your mother spoke of her, service she gave to your
family and other positive memories. You might include a snapshot of
her and your mother.
Your
letter need not pretend the deceased was perfect; the anecdotes and
sentiments you share should be sincere and not a stretch. But it
should convey that this lady will be missed and remembered, and that
her life touched yours for good.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.