"We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention."
Editor's Note: Cyndie Swindlehurst is out of town this week:
This column is a rerun from September 5, 2013, but we thought you
would enjoy it just the same:
Question:
Four
months ago, a curtain fell down in our bathroom when the rod came
loose. I thought my husband would fix it because it is his job to fix
things around the house. But when I mentioned it to him, he just
asked me why I hadn’t picked it up, since I’m supposed to
keep the house clean.
That
was four months ago, and the curtain is still on the bathroom floor.
I have enough work to do without adding my husband’s jobs to my
chore list. And if I pick it up, he’ll think he can always
leave his mess around for me to take care of.
Who
is right? Is this a fix-it job or a cleaning job?
Answer:
You
are asking the wrong question.
The
right question is: What should I do when I see a curtain on the floor
of my bathroom?
The
answer is: Pick it up.
This
is still the answer if “picking up the bathroom” is not
“your job.” Or if it was your husband who knocked it
down. Or if your husband was just in the bathroom and could have
picked it up himself.
(If
a child knocked it down, go fetch him and show him how to pick it up
and what to do with it. This is good training for a child. But it is
not your job to train your husband.)
It
is a good rule of thumb, when you see something out of place in your
home, to pick it up and put it away. You should train your children
to follow this rule. There is no such thing as “not my job”
when it comes to keeping things picked up around the house. It’s
everyone’s job to make sure things stay tidy.
But
your problem is not a housekeeping problem. Surely, you both know
what to do when a curtain is on the floor. Your real problem is that
you and your husband are squabbling and keeping score like children. You
have taken the simplest of problems, an item on the floor, and turned
it into a serious marital conflict.
Instead
of worrying about keeping the house tidy, or helping each other, or
doing what a reasonable person does when he sees a curtain on the
floor, you are more concerned with making each other do something,
just to prove a point.
This
is no way to run a marriage! Keeping score and winning points and
getting your way and proving you’re right — it’s
exhausting! No one wants to live like that! So don’t. You can’t
change your husband’s behavior. But you can change your own.
So
I suggest you end the standoff. Go pick up the curtain. Then get a
screwdriver and fix the curtain rod. If you don’t know how and
can’t figure it out, ask your husband casually and pleasantly —
without huffing, muttering, or sarcasm — if he wouldn’t
mind showing you what to do. If he’s not home, find a tutorial
on YouTube. If your husband taunts you for “giving in” or
makes fun of your efforts, smile and ignore him.
That
will be hard, but if he wants to gloat that he has won the Battle of
Fallen Curtain, let him gloat. He didn’t actually win anything
because picking up a curtain isn’t actually hard.
It
is tempting, when you feel overburdened and underappreciated, to make
a stand about something silly, like a curtain. But you should resist
this urge, even if you do most of the housework. Even if your husband
is selfish and unpleasant and ungrateful. Even if your husband is a
lazy lie-about who treats video games as if they were a vocation
instead of a recreation.
Why?
Because this problem is not about him — it is about you. Are
you are going to dig in your heels and stew about something stupid?
You are not! You are going to take control of the problem and solve
it on your own. Picking up a curtain is not hard. It’s not
worth fighting about. You can do it in about four seconds, and save
your problem-solving energy for actual problems.
And
don’t complain that this curtain represents all of the other
problems in your relationship. If that’s true, if the mere
sight of that curtain causes you to catalogue all of your husband’s
faults and reflect on your marital dissatisfaction, then you need to
pick it up double quick.
“Focus
on the positive” is well-worn marital advice because it’s
completely true. If you take every opportunity to criticize your
spouse, out loud or in your head, you are never going to be happy or
satisfied. Instead of obsessing about your spouse’s faults, you
need to focus on his good points.
So
if your wife is a wonderful athlete and a terrible cook, admire her
athleticism and the genes it adds to your gene pool. If your husband
is a great Scout Master but an awful home teacher, be proud of his
talent with young people. Treat your spouse the way you want him to
treat you: gently, with kindness and affection. Point out his
strengths instead of his weaknesses. It will not transform him into a
different person, but it will make you a better person.
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.