My
nephew, whom we all love, is currently living a lifestyle that has
led him away from the Church. Although the majority of the family is
aware of his situation, it is not a topic of general discussion
at family gatherings.
My
sister doesn't seem to know that the majority of the family is
informed on this subject, and acts like anything relating to him is a
personal secret. Would it be best to inform her that we know the
situation, or should we just play along?
Answer:
There
is a funny idea in the world today that personal problems should be
thrown wide open, exposed, acknowledged, and discussed. That keeping
personal problems private amounts to “sweeping things under the
rug,” and “pretending things are perfect when they
aren’t,” which is equated with lying.
There
is another funny idea that people who prefer privacy to disclosure
should be badgered into publishing their troubles. That “keeping
it inside” is bad and “letting it out” is good.
These
attitudes are a mistake. Discretion and privacy are not the same as
deceit and hypocrisy. Putting a good face on things, expressing
optimism or hope, or simply deflecting nosy questions are social
virtues.
If
a person does not wish to discuss something, he doesn’t have
to. It is rude to pester a person to share his troubles with you if
he does not wish to. Further, it is presumptuous to assume a person
is “not dealing with” a difficult situation simply
because he has not discussed it with you.
In
your case, you sister is acting as if her son’s behavior is a
secret, when it is not. The most likely explanation for this is that
she does not wish to discuss his behavior with the family at this
time. She might even suspect that you already know about it.
Your
first priority should be kindness and gentleness for her and her
feelings, not pursuing full disclosure.
You
should consider how painful this probably is for her, and follow her
lead on what is and is not discussed and acknowledged about her son.
Don’t think of it as a charade. Think of it as respecting her
privacy. Again, she is not necessarily hiding from the truth just
because she is not discussing it with you.
(It
is also possible that your sister does not know what your nephew is
up to. She might think Wild Turkey and Grey Goose are exotic lunch
meats. This is only a remote possibility, but you should consider
it.)
I
recommend two things.
First,
follow your sister’s lead. If she doesn’t want to discuss
her son’s choices or behavior or Church activity, let it be. It
is not your place to insist that she do so. Just because you
would feel more comfortable if the information were out there, it
does not mean that she would feel more comfortable. And as
this is more her business than yours, her preference trumps.
Of
course, when a family member leaves the Church, or stops being active
in the Church, it isn’t long before everybody knows about it.
Innocent questions like, “How do you like your ward?” or
“What calling do you have right now?” or “What are
you up to these days?” tend to lead to conversations in which
it becomes clear that the person no longer attends church. The
person’s absence becomes noted at temple sealings or other
ordinances. Often, behavior inconsistent with Church activity becomes
apparent.
So
within about a year, your nephew’s situation will probably be
common knowledge in the family, revealed not by nosiness, but by
ordinary interactions Mormons have with one another. Even then, you
should follow your sister’s lead in the degree to which his
behavior is discussed. Again, her feelings are more important than
yours.
The
obvious exception to this is that when you are talking to your nephew
himself, you can discuss anything he wishes to discuss.
Second,
keep in touch with your nephew. Call him. Text him. Invite him to
events with your family. Celebrate his achievements. Show him that
you love him, that he is important to you. As you do this, you will
strengthen family bonds, and it will become apparent to your sister
that you are fully aware of his situation, and that you love him
without condition.
Finally,
I could be completely wrong about your sister. It is possible she is
dying to confide in someone, but can’t bring herself to
approach you about her problem. If you suspect this is the case, you
can go to her privately and say something like, “Catherine, I
just want you to know how much I love Casey. He has always been so
special to me. I know he’s going through a rough spot right
now, and I want you to know that I’m here for you, if there is
anything I can do to help or be supportive.”
If
your sister has truly been wishing for someone to share her burden,
this will be music to her ears. She will respond with relief and
gratitude. She will appreciate that you were straightforward but not
nosy, and that you spoke on your own behalf, and not as a
representative of the whole family (which would have made her feel
like everyone was talking about her behind her back).
She
will also appreciate that you did not treat the situation like a
horrible tragedy, which would have required her, the person more
closely affected by the difficult situation, to comfort you, the
person more removed from the situation.
However,
if your sister does not wish to discuss the matter, she will probably
say something like, “Oh. Thanks.” She might even explode
at you: “Rough spot? Rough spot! What do you know about
anything? Why can’t people in this family just mind their own
business!” In either case, you should respect her wishes and
drop the subject.
And
if you ever had to describe this conversation to another family
member you would simply say, “She didn’t want to talk
about it.”
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.