"We seldom get into trouble when we speak softly. It is only when we raise our voices that the sparks fly and tiny molehills become great mountains of contention."
We have a young man
in our ward who seems to enjoy inflicting emotional pain on others.
He has tormented various members of our ward youth for years. Once he
is done with one person, he moves on to another.
At a recent Laurel
and Priest outing, he once again did a cruel act, but this time it
was directed towards a young woman who has been struggling with
depression and who is on shaky ground with her church membership. Of
course, this caused her to decide she doesn’t want to go to
church any more, even though she has a number of friends among the
young women.
This young man has
been brought before the Young Men president and the bishop to no
avail in the past. His father is frustrated by his behavior
also, but seems to have no influence.
I am in the Young
Women presidency. What can we do?
Answer:
First, you should
tell the bishop what is going on. Regardless of how he has handled
these situations in the past, he needs to know the specifics of what
is happening now. Don’t just say, “Frank is being mean to
Jane.” Explain exactly what Frank did or said and how it has
affected Jane. Then describe what your presidency is doing to protect
this young woman and surround her with love.
Second, keep to
yourself any negative opinions about the way the bishop, the Young
Men president, and the boy’s parents have (or have not) handled
this situation. It does no good to gripe about the way someone else
is doing his calling, especially when you don’t have all the
facts. And it would be beyond wrong of you to complain about the
bishop in front of the young women.
Third, spend time
with this young woman. Think of some excuse and take her to lunch or
for a treat with the other girls. Drive her to activities. Don’t
bring up the unpleasant topic of this boy. Instead, listen to her.
Her problems clearly extend beyond this boy (and you indicate that
his focus on her will pass in time), so build a relationship with her
that will help you strengthen and support her in all of her
struggles.
Fourth, plan
activities and arrange meetings in a way that eliminates, as much as
possible, this boy’s opportunities to torment this young woman.
To minimize embarrassment to her, don’t make a big deal of it.
There is an argument
that the bishop, Young Men president, Frank, and his parents should
sit down together and discuss that he will only be allowed at
activities or in youth Sunday School under constant supervision
unless he can be kind to everyone. But there are down sides to that
approach, and besides proposing it, you have no power to make it
happen.
What you can do is
keep an eye on both of them. Greet the young woman warmly when you
see her, and talk with her. Greet the boy, too, but more formally. He
needs to know that you have your eye on him. When you are in charge
of a group that includes him, ask him to do small tasks, like
distributing hymnbooks, that restrict his ability to interact with
her. And when you witness a cruel act, speak up immediately: “Frank!
That was unkind.” You might also consider alerting their Sunday
School teacher to the situation, if they are in the same class.
Fifth, encourage the
other young women to protect her. This is tricky—you need their
help, because bullies usually taunt their prey out of earshot of
adults. So the most significant protection this girl can get will
come from the other young women. They can sit with her at meetings
and activities. They can defend her from verbal abuse: “Don’t
say that about Jane! She’s my friend.” They can stand by
her at church, at seminary, during activities, at school, and
anywhere else she needs protection.
But you also need to
be sensitive to the fact that no one likes to be a project. No one
wants to feel like her friends were all assigned by the Young Women
leaders.
So I suggest you approach the Laurel class president privately. Talk
with her about the situation. Make sure she understands her
responsibility to protect this girl. Ask for her suggestions. Focus
on protecting the young woman and not persecuting the boy in turn or
creating more drama. Then discuss who else (if anyone) should be
involved, and how she can address the issue with the other Laurels
without making it seem like a class project.
Make sure you listen
to the Laurel class president. She may have additional information
about the situation that you are not aware of. You may discover that
this young woman is more of a participant in the torment than you had
thought, or that she is somehow encouraging this boy’s bad
behavior (by texting him, for example). If that is the case, this
young woman needs to modify her own behavior.
Sixth, keep the
young woman’s parents in the loop. If you witness an ugly
incident, tell them privately what happened. And if you discover
additional information about the situation, let them know. It would
not be right to keep information from them.
Finally, in your
personal capacity, and not as a member of the Young Women presidency,
you may choose to talk to the boy’s parents about what you have
seen him do to this young woman. Even if they don’t appear to
have much influence over or interest in his behavior, they need to
know what he is doing. You will have to use your best judgment about
how to approach them, especially if you don’t have a warm
relationship with them. The goal of your conversation should be to
pass along information, not give advice. The tone should be
sympathetic and sincere: “Marilyn, I need to tell you about
what happened at the Priest Laurel outing last week.”
Do
you have a quandary, conundrum, or sticky situation in your life?
Click this button to drop Cyndie a line, and she’ll be happy to
answer your question in a future column. Any topic is welcome!
Cynthia Munk Swindlehurst spent her childhood in New Hampshire and her
adolescence in San Diego. She served a mission in Manaus Brazil. She
graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in English and from
Duke University with a law degree.
She practiced law until her first child was born. She enjoys reading, tap
dancing, and discussing current events. She and her husband live in
Greensboro, North Carolina with their two sons.
Cyndie serves as the Sunbeams teacher in her ward.